Double Shot At Love Hosted By Lily And Alex

Hi there lovelies! We asked you all to send us in your juiciest questions with nothing off limits and you all delivered! This series is something we are so excited to continue. We hope you enjoy and we hope we help you in some sort of way! Let the advice commence.

Q: I’m experiencing someone I thought actually cared about me very obviously starting not to care anymore rather suddenly.

Alex: I know firsthand how much this sucks. The truth is, most of the time, this has nothing or very little to do with you. This is probably hard to believe but trust me on this. There is most likely stuff going on with this person in their own head causing them to suddenly pull away that could be related to their mental well-being, issues concerning attachment, etc. Since this is not something you can change, try not to get wrapped up in your head and start freaking out – take a step back, remind yourself that you do deserve someone who won’t act like this, and refocus your energy into things that are mutually rewarding.

Lily: There is a lot of factors that can contribute as to why someone could be distant. Is it perhaps because they are going through something themselves and are taking their own anger or issues out on you? Was there an event that occurred before-hand that they might be feeling resentment over? Regardless, it more-than-likely is not your fault so don’t begin to play the blame game with yourself because that becomes an extremely damaging thought cycle. Ask them what the reasoning is behind their distance, but remember, when doing this, never accuse them of anything. Always listen to what they have to say and then see how you should approach the situation. If they are upset about external factors, lend them your support. If it is something that has concurred between the two of you, see if there is any way you can resolve the issue. One thing I do need to add to this, is do not allow other people’s behaviors weigh you down. If someone is consistently being distant from you and not treating you with a level of respect that you deserve, there comes a point where you need to see how much of this behavior you can withstand before deciding to withdraw from the situation.

Q: I’m in love with my best friend what the fuck do i do now?

A: This is hard for me to answer because I haven’t experienced this personally. I think you need to really think about if confessing your feelings is worth possibly ending the friendship, as that is a very real possibility. If you feel confident that they might like you back or you’re willing to risk it, go for it! But if not – perhaps hold on for now.

L: Been there, done that, what a joy it is to fall for your best friend! One thing I will say, is take a step back and evaluate the situation clearly. Sometimes, we get our platonic feelings caught up for something more than what it really is. Sometimes we so badly want something (not someone) that we trick ourselves into seeing something for more than what it is. If you realize your best friend is just a super cool person and you love them just as a friend, great! Crisis averted. If not, take my advice and tell them. Don’t fall into the game of pondering whether someone likes you. Often with best friends, we can misinterpret things VERY quickly. For example, I sleep in bed with my best friend at sleepovers, but an act like sleeping with someone which is often attached to romantic relationships, can very quickly be misinterpreted for what its not, but we make that differentiation because that person is our best friend, therefore, it means nothing more. What you see as something romantic, they can see as completely platonic because that’s where their head space is, so it truly is impossible to play the guessing game in these situations. It took me two-and-a-half months to muster up the courage to finally ask my best friend where he stood and if the feelings were returned. That is time I will never be able to get back because I was too scared to make a move out of fear of rejection and fear of losing my best friend. If they truly love you, they will not allow feelings to destroy your friendship. When I told my best friend the truth, we both agreed what would be best would be time apart, and although I was mad at the time and did not see why he would suggest that, I am forever grateful he suggested that. Time apart from him was time I needed to regain clarity, to shift back to that mind space of, “he is my best friend and nothing more.” We haven’t looked back since that day! After he admitted he only saw me as a friend, I had the peace with the situation that I needed and I was able to focus on other areas of my life that I was unable to before because I was so consumed by contemplating whether or not he felt the same way. Rejection is hard, I get it! But what is even harder is the back-and-forth that occurs in your mind which is fueled by uncertainty. Take the risk, tell them how you feel and see if they feel the same way, if they don’t, you can be at peace with the fact you have the truth and you no longer need to exhaust yourself running over the facts in your mind. If they do feel the same way, great! Now you can begin to converse and explore potential romantic avenues.

Q: My girlfriend keeps asking me to make a sex tape I’m scared

A: I am a firm believer that you should never have to compromise your values and beliefs in any relationship – especially when it comes to sex. You deserve a girlfriend who respects your boundaries and who will not persistently ask once you have said no. Try explaining to her that it upsets you when she asks to make a tape, and if she doesn’t get it, I would strongly consider ending the relationship. You deserve someone who respects you!

L: Sex is many things, but ‘scary’, should not be one of the words you use to describe your sex life. There is a difference between the nervousness of trying something new like recording during sex and being genuinely scared for your well-being. Certainly, don’t shame your girlfriend for her kinks or fantasies. We all have different ideals when it comes to sex and just because it’s not something you want to actively participate in, this does not mean that she needs to be shamed. If you’re nervous but willing to try it, set some ground rules. Let her know that you will speak out if you decide you no longer want to participate and discuss what the intentions of the sex tape are. Sex tapes can be scary unknown territories. What does she plan on doing with this sex tape? Can you trust her not to distribute it in the case of a breakup? Is it something you genuinely would be willing to try? I always encourage people to keep an open mind when it comes to sex but never at the cost of your own security. If she is being persistent about doing this despite your many clear attempts of expressing this is something you are not comfortable in doing, I would question whether she really respects you. Sex and sexual favors should ALWAYS be consensual and is not a subject that should be pressed. Stand your ground and be communicative. It is more than okay to say no.

Q: I’m 17 and my bf is 20 and he just transferred to uot and i live in Brantford idk if we can make this work help

A: Okay – deep breath! This is nerve wracking for sure and brings a lot of uncertainty. This isn’t that far of a distance, and there are ways of getting to Toronto from Brantford that don’t involve driving if neither of you have a car. However – you are still so young. If it doesn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be. Try not to stress, and instead take it as an opportunity to learn how to be more independent and comfortable with being alone. Get to know yourself again! Pick up a new hobby, spend time with friends and family, and focus on schoolwork – trust me, school should come before a relationship. Luckily, we are in 2019 and technology does a great job at helping us stay connected. Find time to video chat and talk on the phone, or plan one weekend a month where you go see him or vice versa. If he is really the one for you, it will not matter that you aren’t in the same city. Good luck!

L: Long distance is tough, I hear you! I never have been in a long-distance relationship because I know my love language is quality time. Sure, we can technically sit here and debate that you can still have quality time with someone through other devices, like Facetime or Skype, but those do not even remotely compare to being able to see someone face-to-face. If you, like me, need face-to-face interaction, determine whether this is feasible. Take into consideration the different aspects like how he is of legal drinking age and most likely will be going out with his friends on the weekend. It’s easy to say you will make time for each other, but really, how accommodating will he be to making time for you when he has other things on the go. Do you drive? Will you have reliable transportation? If you go and make trips to see him, while you be able to stay with him or will these be day trips? There are many sacrifices that go together with long distance relationships, so it is up to you and your boyfriend to determine whether those sacrifices are worth it.

Q: My ex wants to take me for dinner this Saturday and we had a pretty nasty explosive breakup

A: Okay I am SO sorry we are late on answering this as Saturday as passed! In my opinion, an ex is an EX for a reason – especially if you had a bad breakup. I don’t think this person respects you if the breakup was nasty and explosive and I wouldn’t recommend spending time with them. Most likely, they just miss having your attention and they miss you being an outlet for their BS. Don’t fall for manipulative tactics and respect yourself even if they don’t. Instead, turn your energy inwards and focus on healing.

L: Situations with exes can be so confusing and frustrating, right? First, ask yourself why you broke up and then ask yourself if you are willing to revisit all the nastiness that went along with the breakup. I know, sometimes we get so caught up in the great times with our previous partners, we completely forget about why it even ended in the first place. Sometimes, rekindling with our exes is like beating a dead horse, we keep revisiting the same issues we were unable to resolve before. “He’s different now!” Yes, maybe he is, but what if he isn’t? Are you ready to go through the same problem that you had before? We see it time and time again, exes who rekindle in hopes that time apart will magically fix all their problems, but often, time doesn’t heal anything, and most certainly, it won’t correct people’s toxic habits or traits. You deserve to be happy and you don’t have to settle for less than you deserve just because you don’t want to have to restart the process of finding someone new. I feel like that’s why a lot of us do go back to our exes, because we seek comfort in our previous relationships because it is what is familiar to us, but familiarity isn’t always happiness, remember that!

 

Q: Hi ladies!! I just broke up with my boyfriend two weeks ago, is it too soon to go on Bumble?

A: If you feel ready, go for it! If you’re doing it just for attention, distraction, and validation because you feel heartbroken…don’t. it will not take those feelings away and might make you feel worse, TBH. However, you know yourself best, so if you’re prepared to put yourself out there, go ahead, but proceed with some caution. My biggest tips would be to just have fun and don’t take dating too seriously right now.

L: If you are fully and completely over your boyfriend and have come to terms with the fact that it is done, I say it is never too early or too late! You do, however, need to carefully examine your situation and trot carefully over these waters. Ask yourself, “am I really over him?” “If he came back would I get back together with him?” “Do I have feelings for him?” If you answered yes to any of these questions, I would say it is too early to get into anything serious on these sites. You never want to lead somebody on or give them false hope. If you are fully transparent with the people you are talking to, it’s fine! If you just want casual sex, make sure the person you are talking to acknowledges that that is all you want, and I would also disclose that a recent breakup did occur and you still have feelings so that they are completely aware and don’t get their own hopes up. Yes, you can still hookup with people even if you aren’t completely over your ex, sometimes that reminder that other people are out there is that push we need to get over something, but again, transparency is key.

Q: I think my boyfriend is cheating on me with my best friend.

A: If this is true, it is not your fault and you don’t deserve their betrayal. It’s despicable, and they don’t deserve forgiveness, either, at least I wouldn’t be able to forgive. I would get to the bottom of it by straight up asking them for the truth. Just remember that cheaters usually don’t change and your best friend doesn’t sound like she values your feelings, either, and anyone who does one or both of those things is better off not in your life.

L: This is a very sticky and not-to-mention, extremely hurtful situation and I am so sorry that you are going through this! Even if it is not the case, you must feel awful having this as a concern of yours. Like I say a lot, the only way to get to the truth is to seek the truth head on even though it may be painful and hard. I would ask both your best friend and boyfriend what the situation is. If there are any inconsistencies in their stories, that might be a sign that they are not being truthful. If he is cheating, I would say you need to cut them off. Don’t play petty games and try and get even or don’t even bother with a second-chance, time and time again, these methods are proven not to work in these situations, and you are not the exception. If they could cheat on you, regardless of the circumstance or whichever excuse you are dealt, it means they do not value you or your relationship. Some people do struggle with monogamy, and that is fine, but you cannot commit to a monogamous relationship if you know you are unable to fully commit yourself to your partner. As for your best friend they would also need to be cut off in that situation as well. A best friend is like blood, and you do not go behind your families back and pull such hurtful antics.

Q: There’s this super cute guy in one of my lectures but idk how to make the first move.

A: I’m not someone who is good at making the first move either so I feel ya! Maybe sit beside him and ask a question about the lecture? Or if there is an exam, ask to be study buddies! If you really have guts, find him on social media and shoot him a message (“Hey, saw you’re in my class, I don’t mean to be weird, but do you want to study together?”).

L: This is something I personally struggle with so I’m not sure if I’m even confident enough to give you some solid advice, but what I can do is share with you my own tips and tricks. I always have two moods; I’m either the most social person you will ever meet or the coldest recluse you will ever come across. I find I am the most social when put into situations where I almost am forced to make friends. For example, if you have no other friends in that class, that could be a large pull factor to want to socialize. If you do have friends in that class, try sitting somewhere different for once so you feel more motivated to socialize. Tip number one would be to get close to them, preferably beside them since it’s hard to communicate at a distance. Humour is always my icebreaker and it often works! You could also try complimenting them or asking them a simple question. Asking a personalized question about something directly related to them often works best because you are getting to know more about them while also opening conversation. Another piece of advice I can also offer is that I personally am most social when I feel confident! Do things prior to the initial communication that make you feel good and uplifted! Wear your favourite outfit and do things that make you feel comfortable, that’s when you will get the best results.    

Q: I’ve been talking to a guy for a while but everything so far has only been on Snapchat, what do I do?

A: Being upfront is KEY. I’m not one to play hard to get or act coy, so if I were you, I’d just straight up ask for his number! If he says no…he’s most likely shady AF and that’s a red flag.

L: Run! No, seriously, run… Actually, let’s take a step back and define “a while?” My personal rule is a guy has two days to make some concrete plans with me or he is cut. I know that might be harsh, but my time is valuable and yours is too. Many people unfortunately use others for attention. Whether it be compliments, fuel for their late-night horny sessions or even just knowing there is someone who will always snap them back, attention-seeking is truly some peoples Achilles heel. I feel like how you communicate with someone can be more revealing than what is being communicated itself. I believe Snapchat is a breeding ground for booty-calls and recruitment for a man’s harem, so I like to stay far away from that. I mean seriously, how many people do you know who are in long-term committed relationships who EXCLUSIVELY communicate over Snapchat? I don’t know anyone. Do you? There’s a difference between snapping someone casually while also having meaningful conversations through other platforms. I do that and that’s okay! But I will never exclusively talk to someone over Snapchat, that is BAD VIBES. I hate Snapchat because it is so ambiguous, and people tend to be sneaky on there! I mean, how do we know that guy isn’t sending the same snap to a million-and-one girls at once? Snapchat is also a breeding ground for NUDES, not to say that nudes can’t be exchanged anywhere else, but typically nudes are exchanged through Snapchat which makes me immediately weary. Some guys also like to use Snapchat as a test to verify whether someone they met through let’s say Tinder or Bumble is hot enough to keep talking to. The way you could also look at Snapchat is that person could be only wanting to speak to you if your face or body is involved. When we’re snapping someone, we’re conversing while snapping pictures of ourselves, which could mean that the person you are talking to only wants to talk if they get a visual piece with it too. Before you cut someone off, see if they’d be comfortable with switching over to text or even doing a good old-fashioned phone call, if they seem hesitant or you find yourself even after that exclusively talking over Snapchat, I’d say that’s a pretty big red flag.

Q: I want to go further with my bf… but every time I try he avoids it…. I know he’s not a virgin. Does he not want me?

A: I understand the frustration but try to be patient. Explain to him how you feel and ask why it seems like he’s avoiding sex. It could be he is nervous because he really likes you and wants it to be good, or perhaps he is just not ready for that step yet. Either way, I think a conversation is necessary here to really understand why.

L: Hey there! There’s a lot of different reasons why he could be avoiding it. Potentially, he could not be at a place yet where he is comfortable enough with you to have sex. Don’t blame yourself for that, it can be a really great thing! It means he values the act of sex and desires it to be meaningful and with someone he can fully trust. Trust and comfort can take a long time to develop with someone so don’t blame yourself if this is the case. We all adapt and work at different speeds, just because he doesn’t feel comfortable enough with you to have sex, doesn’t mean you are not at a great spot in your relationship. Sex simply is just a big deal to some people! It is basically the most physically intimate thing you can do with someone else, so give him time to get to that point with you if this is the case! He also could just be shy. For the shy, they could trust you to the ends of the world, but shyness is their own personal battle that they need to figure out how to overcome before they can go any further with you. He also could have previous bad experiences with sex and could be afraid that there could be another repeat! There are so many possible explanations, but I would say in these scenarios, the options I listed above are the most common. Use your communication skills and have a trusting conversation with your boyfriend. Conversations regarding sex can be an extremely awkward topic for some people, so make that first move and see if he’s willing to engage in a conversation about that so you can see exactly where he is at.

Q: I’m obsessed with this guy who used to be my friend. Things were so good and then we hooked up and things didn’t get awkward but they weren’t the same. We went from talking everyday to him ignoring me but hitting me up when he wants to hook up. I hate myself because I still answer and try to meet up. I just want to go back to the way things used to be.

A: Ugh, this sounds rough. I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. If he was ever really a true friend, he wouldn’t be using you for hookups. Start respecting yourself and honoring your feelings and stop hooking up with him just because it feels good to have his attention in the moment, because we both know you will crash emotionally as soon as it’s over and he’s back to ignoring you. The truth is, things will not go back to how they were before. However, the good news is, you now have the chance to make room in your life for meaningful relationships that have mutual respect and feelings. I know this is very difficult to accept, but the best thing you can do is cut him off.

L: Wow okay it sounds like you have been through quite the whirlwind so let’s just start with you giving yourself a huge pat on the back for putting up with all of that BS, yes, this behavior is typical, but no, it doesn’t mean you should have to put up with it! The first thing we should address is not being down on yourself! As humans, we tend to blame ourselves for everything; it’s our way of getting back at ourselves for making the “wrong choice” but, really does that even exist? I think we all have choices, point blank, but each choice has a different consequence. Before this gets into a philosophical examination of the human thought process, let me ask you, what do you want? Do you want casual sex? Do you want attention, or do you want this guy to be your boyfriend? I know you say you want friendship, but I don’t think you’re in the right place for that (we’ll discuss that in a bit). There is nothing wrong with casually hooking up with someone; consensual and safe sex can be fun!  However, becomes difficult when both parties have different intentions when it comes to sex. Unfortunately for women, we are biologically hard-wired to try and form connections with the people we are sleeping with, don’t shoot the messenger, it’s just biology! With that in mind, just hooking up can be hard as is, nonetheless, when you are “just” hooking up with someone you see so much more with! So, the first matter of business here, is decide what you truly want, and make your decision on that. If you want this guy to be your boyfriend, it’s not happening! You are in the booty-call zone and no potential girlfriend ever wants to have their start there, no matter how bad you might want a “start,” PERIOD. Another question I have is what is your definition of friendship? In my opinion, a true friend is someone you ride or die with. If this guy can drop you faster than he picked you up just because there’s sex involved, does that truly make him a friend? Sure, he can be your acquaintance, you both can have great conversations and you both could see each other every freaking day, but does that really make him a genuine friend? I don’t think so. I am a firm believer in the universe always giving us signs. I think it always is shifting and adapting in ways that reveal the truth, even if that means you asking people for advice to arrive at that truth. The signs are all there – he is not boyfriend material or friend material, and if you are able to separate your feelings and ONLY do casual sex – go for it! Have fun kiddo. If not, I’d say it’s time to look elsewhere for a deeper connection or even just a friend no matter how hard that might be.

Lily Perez